Amazing Love

Today I'm 30. The Big Three Oh.

Started off with an argument with Hubby, three sick kids, and a phone call.

The big Three Oh Sh@t

The phone call made all the difference. It was my friend, calling to wish me a happy birthday and offering to take my oldest to the library with her three kids and keep him over for lunch. And when she came over, she had flowers, a card and a slice of chocolate cake.

I wasn't sure what to do or what to think - beyond being grateful and amazed and a little chagrined (I'm not quite sure when her birthday is). And a little sad that my mother will be taking us out for dinner tonight and my husband hasn't given my birthday more than two seconds of thought. I accept that he doesn't think about things like this, but it is a disappointment on the two days of the year I wish he would. (This one and Mother's Day.) Even perfect men have their flaws, I suppose.

I don't feel any different, being 30. I do feel different being a homeschool mom. I find out things about myself every day - like how I secretly do want uberkinderen and how competitive I am, and how if I continue to live vicariously through my children, I will put pressure on them to excel at things they might not even want to do. I'm a driven, moody, demanding, perfectionist of the worst sort.

So of course, accepting a gift from a friend, one given freely with nothing I have to do to repay it and nothing I had to do to earn it, except to love my friend (which I do!), is hard for me. Grace is hard for me too. I'd rather work hard for my salvation, and fail (as I know I would), and receive my due punishment, than to accept Grace. Free Gift? It makes me feel awkward, and a little desperate, and - God forbid - grateful.

There are many things I cannot do, many things I'm doing badly, yet I still have the love of my friends and the Grace of God. I'm not used to needing, but I know I do. I needed that phone call this morning, and I need the love of my friends, and I need that G thing. So, in case I haven't said it enough (not that anyone will ever read this), Thank You. I am grateful.